DoneZo

I don't know whether I stopped writing here because I had nothing left to say or if I thought blogs should be a bit less exclusive, a bit less narcissistic. You know, maybe I should write about vegan recipes or books or music or celebrities. Vegan food sucks, though, etc.

The last few month have been pretty surreal--a hodgepodge of hellos and goodbyes and various sentiments or lack thereof and all without balance. Extremity; that which I thrive on. I went from being busy every day, going to school and having a productive life to graduating college, moving back home after almost 3 years and watching videos of amazing animals and babies singing and dancing on YouTube. I mean, I guess that's a bit unfair and self deprecating. Everything is so anticlimactic these days. It's like nothing can penetrate my jaded, "extreme lows" self. The language used and the seemingly sexual overtone of those last two sentences is pure coincidence, I assure you. I guess it's difficult to work hard and stay focused and do it all for by yourself and for yourself. Why can't we just help ourselves?

(Elapsed time between paragraphs: approx. 12 minutes.)

The Self:
I'm sick of self destruction being accepted as something that we "just do to ourselves." It's a direct result of our privileged lives that we are even able to treat ourselves badly and make a decision between one shitty choice or another, ultimately being decided by which one would make a more outrageous Facebook status update. It's all talk and no action and I am slowly becoming a victim of this monotony or, maybe not a victim but a perpetrator? When everything is overrated and life is a series of events that we can barely RSVP to, one must ask ones self-- is this the way I planned it? I don't like that metaphor but whatever.

The Other:
What are we supposed to do with other people? I feel like we're all delusional and want/expect/create a world that is just bearable and livable for ourselves. If you happen to fit into whatever the current climate of a certain someones world at that moment in time you manage to be lucky enough to touch down on some serious and meaningful interaction (or so they say and thank you for). But the question is simple yet important: are these interactions really meaningful? Is it love or anger or happiness or pain or is it just an attempt to interpret what those emotions would really be/feel like had the catalyst for them been something more than just someone/something to pass the time? We're stuck with certain people and certain scenarios because we don't want to live in our own world alone. We start to sacrifice. We need to distract and consequently save ourselves from the things we know we should do with our lives, friends, hearts, family, bodies, et cetera. Otherwise how would we be self destructive?

Next time: My recipe for vegan pineapple upside down pants cake.

I'll Never Take You Out Dancing

It's pointless the worry about things out of your control. These "things" to b controlled can be anything from things that have nothing to do with you or things that are in the future that you have no means of understanding without abstractions. 

The importance of living in the moment.

This is it.. the here and now. 

I think the problem with actually acting on this advice stems from the cliches of "living in the moment". There's some kind of negative connotation that has attached itself to the concept and it's imperative that we dismiss any preconceptions and just "be". 

Don't take things personally. 

Live in the moment. 

It's not you, it's them. 

These are all things that have been said before but when actually scrutinized they are the essence to maintaining a happy demeanor. Anything can make you smile or cry or make you feel angry from one moment to the next. Embrace it. Embrace the hectic-ness and the messiness and the fear and the pain. Happiness comes along with it. And isn't happiness only possible because of the sadness, or madness or apathy? It's not as trite as "you feel sad so you can distinguish between happiness and sadness". I think that we would be able to differentiate regardless. I think it's just the essence of every emotion, every fleeting thought or feeling that adds to the notion of what makes us happy. 

I need to learn how to let it go. 

In Dreams

I think there's something rather ironic about my inability to differentiate between dreams and reality. It facilitates this dreamlike quality to manifest itself throughout my life through different people, experiences, places and times.

Sometimes I'm awake and couldn't feel more like I am living in a dreamless night. In dreams I sometimes feel more emotion than I allow for reality. Maybe this is why I am plagued at times by nightmares, dreams of suffocation and loss, etc etc etc.

I suppose this is relevant because I have had a few dream-like experiences in real life over the last few months that eventually lead to my questioning what exactly was even real about the people, places and events. It instills this sense of an ever present nostalgia for something that I can't quite put my finger on. I guess nostalgia is rather vague in and of itself, anyway.

It's almost like I am so bored with real life that I dream to escape that boredom that I cannot control. I also try to create and facilitate any and every situation that might be (in any way) an exciting prospect. I enjoy the teeth pulling awkwardness of the night, day, week, month after and create fantasies about said events until what was real is a memory almost as vague and blurry as a dream. It all seems rather circular and contradictory in nature. 

But things are good. They have to be. 

Where Are You John Cusack?

It's been a short while or maybe a long while. Hopefully anyone who actually reads this thinks that it's out of commission. 

As this February 14th approaches I think fondly to my last February 14. I saw a film about a girl who had vagina dentata. I was happy wandering the streets of the city alone, watching men nervously striding towards a busy street corner with roses in their hands while the women looked starry eyed as if thinking to themselves, "I'm so lucky". 

I think that a vagina with teeth is much luckier. 

I need to remember to externalize 

 stay healthy

 not fall into the trap

 live in the moment

 etc

 etc

I don't really know what's fun anymore. I know I only enjoy meaningful exchanges with interesting people. I know I act out when I am frustrated and don't know how to just feel okay about my boredom. 

What are you supposed to do when you're legitimately bored with everything?