Hiatus

I'm on a short one. 

I'll be back...

All is to be continued. 

Return to Los Angeles

I'm back. It's 100 degrees outside and I can't be bothered to move too much. The effort is just lacking.

I am slightly loosing my morale for blogging.

I can't explicitly say everything that I want to because of the fact that anyone can read this, and I hate being vague.

I am already slipping back into the mindset that I was in when I first moved to New York. There's just too much water under the bridge. I can only try to be understanding but I have no obligation to anything or anyone. It's as if I am not a real person... I am supposed to just take all of the shit that gets handed to me and still be sympathetic? Anyone else in my position would be just as frustrated as I am, if not more.

I don't want to to fight. I am exhausted.

It's not L.A. that I have a problem with. It's the fact that I have changed so much and everything here stays the same. Not the same in the comfortable, familiar sense... but in the claustrophobic, anxious sense.

It's ok though. It's all perfect. I won't feel like this for much longer.

P.S. I can't help but notice how cheesy L.A. is compared to New York.

Weekend Wars- part deux

Everyone has been asking for blog shout outs... How about you get a shout out when you make an insightful comment about my chicken scratch? (see Aria's comments on past blogs)

This weekend was eventful, to say the least.
Honesty, honestly.

I found myself asking how I arrived at various places and situations throughout the weekend. It seems as though much of it was a dream.

Things were said which I had been waiting to hear.
I acted exactly according to how I was feeling and received amazing results.
Do as I do, I say.


I wish I had something to complain about... some witty commentary about things that annoy me, or terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. I don't though.
Things are looking up because I said they should.

Possibilities are endless once you acknowledge your obligation to that endlessness. That's the real secret, I think. Don't be afraid of what you won't do in within the endless mass of possibility before you, but how you'll embrace everything that's on it's way to you.

Soldier On.

Nothing in particular

I completely forgot about this mash-up. It's a really good song,

and this video is kind of cool.

Tales from the Library: Hour 7

I walked over to the printer in the library and in one of the printers was a piece of paper that read:

i carry your heart with me ( i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

I struggled to remember how I knew these words. Somehow I knew the words which followed ...

Then I remembered my love for E.E. Cummings.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

So, thank you to whoever left that little piece of paper in the printer. I have been able to avoid studying Soviet history for an hour or so.

Perfection

My health is on the ups. hooray!

Today was amazing, perfect in every way. 

I can't take myself so seriously and, in turn, I ask all of you to not take me seriously either. Also, don't take yourselves seriously. There is no use in trying to figure out the messiness and imperfections of life. It just is, and we just are and we're able to just 'be' for so long. 

I am in the process of removing my ego from the game. Just do it. 

Things just happen around us and we choose to be affected. I choose not to anymore. 

Everything is perfect. 

It feels ridiculous writing this... I hope I haven't established myself as a self -help/betterment/hippy/cheese queen bloggity blogger. I hope I don't sound trite... even I won't want to read my blog. 

It's just that I haven't had a day this amazing in so long, and nothing remarkable had to happen for it to be so perfect. 

I was in the library for 10 hours today and it was great. 

**Just for the record... I hate hippies**

To my lovely Palmita:

Donde esta hamburguesa?

Forget the Flowers

The law of attraction strikes again. 

I'm already happier though. It's insane how instantaneously that happened. I put my honest feelings out there and I got an immediate response. I finally admitted how I felt to myself and it's going to be alright. 

At the risk of sounding redundant I'll just say that I don't know how we'll be different, or how we'll act. But I will do my best to be honest... for me.

No more preconceived notions. 

No more pretending. 

Honesty. Honesty. 

God, why do I have such a problem with that?

A good friend of mine always says that the universe is perfect and I am perfect in it. It's hard to grasp sometimes, but after the sequence of events I can only adhere to this notion. 

Flummox

Day 5: Still really sick. Sat in the steam room in my building with a tub of vick's vapo-rub... I felt like a frail old lady. I am sort of starting to feel like the worst is over, though, and that I am going to be 100% by thursday. If not, that'll be over a week of being the sickest I've been in years. Think me well... clap (if you believe in fairies) for me, or whatever. 

I felt on the verge of tears all day today- but for no specific reason. I felt really nostalgic. I already miss New York and I haven't even left yet. I miss L.A. but don't want to go. But I don't want to be here. I don't want things to change, I guess. I have this looming issue with change, regardless of how I attempt to be welcoming and understanding of it. I suppose it's rather cliche; I mean, by 'nature' we're averse to change, but I s suppress my fear and allow it to manifest as an intense fear of routine. Text book example...bla bla bla. I'm boring myself, even. 

Also, I came to the realization that I am angry with myself. I allowed something to influence, distract and confuse me for too long, and I am so angry. My psyche, body, grades, and overall contentedness have been affected and now I am paying for it. I can't get back the time that I was in denial and acted foolishly. I need to accept inalienable truths and embrace those "blessings in disguise" that I usually consider bullshit. No one should have such an influence on anyone, regardless of that influence being negative OR positive. I need to stop obsessing and not seeing the "bigger picture". Ugh.. too many quotation marks.

It seems like I'm always squinting... 

I won't misrepresent myself anymore. 

I can't kill myself to be where I was 6 months ago.

I won't always be happy. I wont always be sad. 

 

What changed? How did I go from not caring about what he/she/they thought and being honest to myself to feeling unsure? 

I thought that's what he taught me.  

Things are looking up now- 

If I say they are.

ILL

I was watching television today and came across Varsity Blues. The infamous line "I don't want...your liife!" has resinated since I saw the film in the cinema.

Next : Harold and Kumar. 

Being as sick as I am forces me to turn the television volume up really high in hopes of hearing anything coming out of the speakers. My head feels ten times the size that it actually is and I am having little to no success with breathing. I am winded walking just a few steps and have to force myself to eat anything. I truly regret not taking care of myself ... my body has shut down and what is left is the pathetic pulp of a once well girl. My school work keeps piling higher and higher and at this point, I don't even know if the hours I spend not sleeping in the library are even producing any coherent work. 

I wish I could say that things have improved since last week. I wish I was healthy. The only improvement is that my emotional issues have manifested themselves physically and now I can't think of anything except for how ill I am. I can't do anything... my last couple of weeks in the city and I am a prisoner in my closet of a room and in my own body (i guess?). 

Dramatic. 

Maybe I'm getting what I deserve for being rather reckless in certain aspects of my life recently ... mostly concerning others. 

No cigarettes for 4 days now. I was seriously disturbed when I saw this new anti-smoking commercial showing a woman who had only been smoking for 12 year and she had to have the tops of all of her fingers and toes amputated. Horrific.

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle isn't funny. It wasn't funny when I first saw it, or the second time when I got stoned because everyone said "you have to be stoned... dude it's soooo funny", or now. I kind of like the parts when they make fun of Ivy League schools and the majority of assholes who attend them.

Great dialogue: "lots of ladies waiting to get 'boinked' by us, dude". 

I wish "Can't Hardly Wait" was on...  now that's quality entertainment. 

I have a Jim Jarmusch film waiting for me from Netflix downstairs. That would solve all of my problems (at least for 2 hours or so). If only I could get out of bed. It's so cold. 

I wish that I had 3D glasses so that I could watch "I Love the 80's- 3D". I can't figure out if the show is actually filmed for 3-D but I am willing to find out. 

RDJ

The only thing stopping me from running to Times Square and hurling myself at the tenth story window of TRL in hopes of seeing Robert Downey Jr. is the fact that I think I have mono. 

Ironman. 

That shit is mean.