Day 5: Still really sick. Sat in the steam room in my building with a tub of vick's vapo-rub... I felt like a frail old lady. I am sort of starting to feel like the worst is over, though, and that I am going to be 100% by thursday. If not, that'll be over a week of being the sickest I've been in years. Think me well... clap (if you believe in fairies) for me, or whatever.
I felt on the verge of tears all day today- but for no specific reason. I felt really nostalgic. I already miss New York and I haven't even left yet. I miss L.A. but don't want to go. But I don't want to be here. I don't want things to change, I guess. I have this looming issue with change, regardless of how I attempt to be welcoming and understanding of it. I suppose it's rather cliche; I mean, by 'nature' we're averse to change, but I s suppress my fear and allow it to manifest as an intense fear of routine. Text book example...bla bla bla. I'm boring myself, even.
Also, I came to the realization that I am angry with myself. I allowed something to influence, distract and confuse me for too long, and I am so angry. My psyche, body, grades, and overall contentedness have been affected and now I am paying for it. I can't get back the time that I was in denial and acted foolishly. I need to accept inalienable truths and embrace those "blessings in disguise" that I usually consider bullshit. No one should have such an influence on anyone, regardless of that influence being negative OR positive. I need to stop obsessing and not seeing the "bigger picture". Ugh.. too many quotation marks.
It seems like I'm always squinting...
I won't misrepresent myself anymore.
I can't kill myself to be where I was 6 months ago.
I won't always be happy. I wont always be sad.
What changed? How did I go from not caring about what he/she/they thought and being honest to myself to feeling unsure?
I thought that's what he taught me.
Things are looking up now-
If I say they are.
